Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Getting through!

There are moments you want to fall apart. Just so simply, to brake in small pieces and let that all fly to some easy place. There is no reason why. These days just sometimes happen. Emotionally you feel incredibly empty, you can't figure out where all things are lost or where have you wasted all you had in the morning. Maybe it is just a day full of work and running that took feelings away. Maybe it is some incredible monster who filled you with desperate wish of going away and leaving everything, everywhere, but mainly leaving today as soon as possible.
This is feeling that we have often - when day was too tiring, there are more to do than time or capacity. This is feeling when you open door to house where no one waits for you or you do not want anyone to wait for you. There are difference between alone and lonely. You can't be alone, there are people all around you, but you can stand in the middle of crowd, sit to table with friends and feel that urge of loneliness growing inside of you.
What to do? This is question we ask each day, each moment when we feel. To do some things, to let go, push away, fight or just wait? What is way we take or we need to take? I do not have certain answer. I know that people do not help, it is all about you. About the way you feel, get through. It is not about getting over, it is about getting through. Understand what makes you feel happy and alive. What and why you belong to world and why world belongs to you. Then just stand up and go. Shopping is not the best choice. Go grab some coffee in bar or sandwich place you like together with amazing book you want to read, but never find time for. Take a shower and cry as much as you can, clear the bulb of your soul, cook the most amazing cake you dear to taste today, search for crazy idea or just do one which messes your mind for some months, hours or years. There are a lot of options what to do, where to go. But important - do not hope that someone from outside, some friend will save you. It is not about being alone, it is about being lonely. And we are lonely inside. I hope there is someone who just shares your feeling without taking, someone who hugs without asking, this also is why we have our beloved. To feel us.
What I am going to do today? I do not have a clue. Maybe take a drive to McDonald's for cappuccino and take some book with me or more likely will take a shower to warm up and clean my soul. Afterwords get a choco pudding. This can be a way .. Sleep helps too. The easiest would be to ignore. Doesn't work anymore. Fortunately or unfortunately?

Ecological footprint..

Just did my ecological footprint. I would need 2.6 Planets Earth to provide enough resources for my lifestyle. The most goes for food sector.
Decided to explore scenarios I can take to change my footprint.

What if I would reduce the amount of animal-products I am eating by half?
What if I reduced distances I am traveling with car?
What if I would use solar panels to provide electricity for house I am living in?
What if all appliances would be energy efficient?
What if I would avoid flying?

This all would bring me to more sustainable living.
I am not really convinced.
Thinking about other sustainable ways,
These couldn't be only ones .. I do not want to give up meat or Chinese food ..

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Days like this!

Woke up by feeling sunshine up to my eyes. SO morning had came. I fell asleep yesterday by reading a book, just naive and too sweet love story - it somehow keeps thoughts away. Reading and living other life, like a slow motion movie.

Today is that day when I walk all over house and try to find out what to do. I feel free and somehow too free. I clean up mess I made within week, wash clothes, make flip movie and do not really understand what to do next. And then I start to think. This is not the best option what to do.

So this is why I started to write. This roller coaster of emotions make me going crazy. I love it and when I got to this dumb empty feeling I hate it.

Maybe one of reasons why empty feeling is finally weekend in place I live and no airports, train stations, new people and live around me.

But today is great, sun outside and warm for end of September. Going to read a book in the park and extra large caffe latte!

P.S. Maybe I am mad as realized that yesterday forgot to buy coffee so no for breaktfast ..

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy. See you in court!

Answer: I would like to be close to you...and i would like not to go to US or China, but just somewhere in Europe...but i can't find anything here now... i am going crazy about this all...but mostly about you..

Follow: And I know you are real, thats why you are going to US or China .. There is no place for me, if you cant find something for you.. Living in a happy way first for yourself .. Someone says thats life, baby .. And I am going crazy about it ..

Monday, September 14, 2009

Spots of thoughts

A lot of hours spent in trains. Due to a lot of train switches no sleep either. Free to think. Somehow a lot of happened within those 10 days. I met new people, shared experiences.

It is funny feeling when you haven't slept for 36h and can't fall asleep.
I left things and feelings behind me. Walked away. Someone have said - do not close a door, when your heart want to open it.

Live easy and do not mess with your mind. This is not my way of living. I do live in My easy way and I do always mess with mind and feeling, just like that I can have that all felt. I love to mess.. To change, to be in roller coaster of emotions, to be unpredictable. Just to love.

I love colours and feelings. I do not need a lot. He told me yesterday that we are free and always have been, there just was time of us being free together. Hurts a bit. Until the moment I realized he is right. And time of being free together comes to end as one of us goes away.

I like to travel alone. To go, to move, to see .. To be independent .. it is sad and happy feeling at the same time. And I do not know which part I like more. Probably that excitement one, just to go, see and feel ..

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tik dažādi.. Cilvēki.

Ikdienā mēs sastopam daudz un dažādus cilvēkus, daži kļūst par mūsu draugiem un izveidojas ciešaka saikne un daži kā smiltis caur pirkstiem. Laika gaitā mēs sākam izprast sevi, savas vajadzības un vēlmes. Tai brīdī, kad ir izprasts, izveidojas noteikta vērtību sistēma. Mans paziņa spānis, kurš ir ap gadiem 30 un pāri, izteicās, ka atrast dzīvesbiedri ir grūti, jo ir izveidojušies ieradumi, no, kuriem atteikties viņš negrib un, līdz ar to attiecību veidošana balstās un saderību - ir vai nav. Tieši tapat man šķiet ar komunikāciju starp cilvēkiem, kad mēs esam izveidojuši un atraduši to, kas mums patīk, mēs vairs negribam atkāpties un mainīties.

Es esmu no tiem, kuriem patīk sapņot un ļauties izjust mirkli, būt romantiskai un nostaļģiskai. Izmantot iespēju vasarā gulēt uz terases vai balkona, ēst brokastis lasot jaunākās ziņas un dzert kafiju no iemīļotās krūzītes. Ceļojot vienkārši sajust pilsētu un klīst pa ielām, rakstīt liriskus tekstus un bezgalīgi daudz runāt par cilvēku attiecībām un dzīvi. Vakar apjautu, ka tiecos pēc cilvēkiem, kuri sava noteiktā veidā izjūt pasauli un ikdienu līdzīgi.

Par šo jautājumu aizdomāties un uzrakstīt mani rosināja vakardienas saruna ar kolēģi, kurai jebkurš mans izteikums ar smaidu par vienkāršām un burvīgām lietām (man) izraisīja tādu dīvainu smaidu. Viņa ir pilnīgi citādāks cilvēks, mūsu saskarsme nav cieša un pieļauju, ka arī nebūs. Svarīgi ir saprast, ka mēs visi esam dažādi un iemācīties sadzīvot. Tāpat kā ekstraverti un intraverti un vēl milzums dažādu psiholoģijas personību veidu.

Svarīgākais, lai tev apkārt ir cilvēki, kuri tevi saprot un liek justies patiešām labi, tā ļoti ļoti motivētam dzīvei. Un ar cilvēkiem, kuri ir ikdienā tavā dzīvē apstākļu dēļ, atrast saskaņas punktu un mācēt sadzīvot ar šo dažadību.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Returning back to writing!

Morning for this night!

I am coming back to start writing again :) Soon some posts will follow!