Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Changes.

I know what you mean to me. Understanding and common issues. Its way of communication. I'm the one who is a personality. I'm the who is going to wear red high heel shoes, keep to ambitions and aims, go forward. And in the same time I will be the one who wears snickers, cry, feel and believe. Serious, strong and purposeful, but at the same time emotional and real. Keep moving. And you with me.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The end. Of story..

That story of love and game has ended. You would ask how .. That's what about is this. There is just memories which are left, just some weak sense of how things was. I had understood a lot of things and my feelings that was in game. I don't know is there any feelings or need from his side, but I surely can say that there is nothing from my side - I'm free and I'm not keeping the boll to roll. We are just friends, sometimes I can feel him .. just so simply, because I understand him and know his mistakes. It don't make sense to me. I left. I quit. That what it is about. About going throught the pain and going straight to the source, now I am sure that there is totally nothing, I know that I'm free and loveable. I'm not sure for him .. I hope he will be happy and satisfied with her ..

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Vanilla sky.

Evening of yesterday, today and tomorrow. Sitting and dreaming of nothing. Its easy to wake up somewhere and near to someone. Its too easy. Running the easiest way. Get in with feeling, with comming together not just so thats the longest way to go.
She was out of believing, out of getting near to someone, out of wish to kiss. Just something keeps the ball rolling. She was out of risk to start run of feelings. Misunderstood one. Someone who has been hurted and whose feeling have been broken.
But every time you loose faith in people, love or friendship you just keep on moving. Keep on going forward. Keep in believing. Be loveable. Still, whatever happens.
And today that was rainy day and vanilla sky at evening, still run, still want to kiss the sky ..

Old.

I am thinking about everyday, about life, changes, feelings and Me. Too much of things. What mean my feelings and needs, why I'm doing things like this, why going throught days and nights without believe and trust in felings, in love. Feeling something like pain, dissapoint, but in the same time wining and strongness. Everyone is going to something, to life with other person, to loneliness, to carieer, development, some wants family. Relationships and search for love, whish to be loved, to be in safe and have strong shoulder to hold your hand, cry a bit and get some support. Is it all what we need? Are our needs equal with our wishies?

Today I met my past, attitude and lifeway.

Going throught feeling pain, emocional violence from person whom you loved, maybe just a bit, but fact. It isn't thing what I wanted racionally. I think that love, if it is, must transform, must not go away and leave our sense, but just be in some other manner, being not so strong, not addicted as it was. The past should be possitive, it must be just memories which make no sense on your feelings. Its theory of erasing source of pain, to forget and go forward to life. Trying to get it work.

* I was standing and thinking how to say goodbye to a person, without whom I can't imagine I can live. I didn't say goodbye. I went a longest way. I went to life, to erase source of this love in my heart, to erase pain that it was making.

A day before yesterday ..

I was looking to a photos and thinking why she was better than me. I know I searched for photos with aim to see how they looked together. In a process of search I felt a bit nervous, I didn't knew what will be my emotions for that. She looked so happy and easy, something like me in start of game. It is nice to get a look back and find ideas, get understand mistakes or just wrong steps or way I went. I took a challenge to find our photos. The surprise of mine was in moment when I understand that he didn't looked at me in our photos, but looked at her in their photos. You know but amazing was feeling when I understand that I'm not having emotions to it, that I have started to step over and the biggest step was made. Today I saw them online - both. Maybe I was not so ready as I was thinking. Ok, thats one more evidence that I understand and go forward.

Today my mind was open and related to closed - to my friends and family, to myself. I opened my skype and there was he and text - lost. Why it made my focus on, was it or he noteworty? This is my interesting question, but it make no sense, it make no point, he isn't mine, his problems aren't my need or duty. In some ways I'm starting to think that I became too senseless, disinterest in his life. I suppose it is because I started and I am keeping erasing and not feeling that stupid but didactic pain and situation. I go for next.

I found idea why it made me interested, I get feelings, but it was not love, but feeling him, I can't explain this, but I feel him, form that day, when I saw - lost- I felt nervous about him, I met him in mall and it was sorry sight, He called me after some hours and asked strange questions. I said too many good things, a lot of thinks from my imagination and needed things to say, there was a bit of true... unfortunately, but I know that he need that from me and I forgive him all that stuffs .. because I need it for myself.. for future life, here in not him, but me.. value of today and tomorrow.

*sunrise on my beautiful life avenue

Some day story.

We all are going to play games, we all like to play. Someone like to play sport games, someone table games, strategies, games of chance. Are we playing in relationships, are we playing whan saying - I love you, need you, don't know what will do without you? Maybe it is a game for making addiction, way how to accustom person? This is question about what I was thinking some time ago. Just life story, occasion and experience. I can't stop thinking about aim in this possible game. Maybe we are feeling not so perfect, needed, some complex or these players are feeling too brave, to allmighty? What are the reasons..? Is it whish to crush a person next to you, to make as much pain as you can? Too many questions without answers. I suppose that going deeper in psyhology we can find answers. I went .. I found some, but after search, I wondered that they were unimportant for me. I felt used and crashed, without visible scar and bruises. It was one of interesteng ways how to understand, how to get up, to get more stronger, to feel some sense of win. Understanding is first step to forgiveness, to the next level. Resault was that I felt as winner, as person, who get stronger and better, to person, that is not a victim anymore.

It was game of crashies and love, strange, but strong combination, with addiction, manipulation and feelings. Like a screw. Playtime was nice, interesting and amazing, but the last round made it painful, with thin plot and without rules. The game had no rules at all. The worst thing that you can make is to keep the ball rolling after decision, not to let your playperson to go out of game, to make situations, to trying to continue making suffer person who were next to you, who was yours. It's poorly. On another hand you give chance for person to get stronger, to make rules, to make your crash, to work out a strategy, to get smarter and live more easily, because of absurdity. Every coin has two sides. Is it smart to keep the ball rolling and not to end the relationship game? It was one side of coin ..

You are going to ask what is other side of coin? Simply - feelings, uncontrolled stuff. As leader, as everyone in this game can get false and loose, this can be one of reasons why the game is not going to be ended. It is strange, here is no relationships anymore, just hybrid of missing reality. Winner will be one of two persons who played this game, because one still will be feeling or maybe loving. Important is to step over feeling, to leave them behind, to end feeling game from your side, but unfortunately you can't make decision for both. Is it a way to win, when step over feelings, but not going out of game? Is it possible?



* Someone said that life and everyday is too boring, so we start to make it complicated, without real statement of reasons.