Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Getting through!

There are moments you want to fall apart. Just so simply, to brake in small pieces and let that all fly to some easy place. There is no reason why. These days just sometimes happen. Emotionally you feel incredibly empty, you can't figure out where all things are lost or where have you wasted all you had in the morning. Maybe it is just a day full of work and running that took feelings away. Maybe it is some incredible monster who filled you with desperate wish of going away and leaving everything, everywhere, but mainly leaving today as soon as possible.
This is feeling that we have often - when day was too tiring, there are more to do than time or capacity. This is feeling when you open door to house where no one waits for you or you do not want anyone to wait for you. There are difference between alone and lonely. You can't be alone, there are people all around you, but you can stand in the middle of crowd, sit to table with friends and feel that urge of loneliness growing inside of you.
What to do? This is question we ask each day, each moment when we feel. To do some things, to let go, push away, fight or just wait? What is way we take or we need to take? I do not have certain answer. I know that people do not help, it is all about you. About the way you feel, get through. It is not about getting over, it is about getting through. Understand what makes you feel happy and alive. What and why you belong to world and why world belongs to you. Then just stand up and go. Shopping is not the best choice. Go grab some coffee in bar or sandwich place you like together with amazing book you want to read, but never find time for. Take a shower and cry as much as you can, clear the bulb of your soul, cook the most amazing cake you dear to taste today, search for crazy idea or just do one which messes your mind for some months, hours or years. There are a lot of options what to do, where to go. But important - do not hope that someone from outside, some friend will save you. It is not about being alone, it is about being lonely. And we are lonely inside. I hope there is someone who just shares your feeling without taking, someone who hugs without asking, this also is why we have our beloved. To feel us.
What I am going to do today? I do not have a clue. Maybe take a drive to McDonald's for cappuccino and take some book with me or more likely will take a shower to warm up and clean my soul. Afterwords get a choco pudding. This can be a way .. Sleep helps too. The easiest would be to ignore. Doesn't work anymore. Fortunately or unfortunately?

Ecological footprint..

Just did my ecological footprint. I would need 2.6 Planets Earth to provide enough resources for my lifestyle. The most goes for food sector.
Decided to explore scenarios I can take to change my footprint.

What if I would reduce the amount of animal-products I am eating by half?
What if I reduced distances I am traveling with car?
What if I would use solar panels to provide electricity for house I am living in?
What if all appliances would be energy efficient?
What if I would avoid flying?

This all would bring me to more sustainable living.
I am not really convinced.
Thinking about other sustainable ways,
These couldn't be only ones .. I do not want to give up meat or Chinese food ..

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Days like this!

Woke up by feeling sunshine up to my eyes. SO morning had came. I fell asleep yesterday by reading a book, just naive and too sweet love story - it somehow keeps thoughts away. Reading and living other life, like a slow motion movie.

Today is that day when I walk all over house and try to find out what to do. I feel free and somehow too free. I clean up mess I made within week, wash clothes, make flip movie and do not really understand what to do next. And then I start to think. This is not the best option what to do.

So this is why I started to write. This roller coaster of emotions make me going crazy. I love it and when I got to this dumb empty feeling I hate it.

Maybe one of reasons why empty feeling is finally weekend in place I live and no airports, train stations, new people and live around me.

But today is great, sun outside and warm for end of September. Going to read a book in the park and extra large caffe latte!

P.S. Maybe I am mad as realized that yesterday forgot to buy coffee so no for breaktfast ..

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy. See you in court!

Answer: I would like to be close to you...and i would like not to go to US or China, but just somewhere in Europe...but i can't find anything here now... i am going crazy about this all...but mostly about you..

Follow: And I know you are real, thats why you are going to US or China .. There is no place for me, if you cant find something for you.. Living in a happy way first for yourself .. Someone says thats life, baby .. And I am going crazy about it ..

Monday, September 14, 2009

Spots of thoughts

A lot of hours spent in trains. Due to a lot of train switches no sleep either. Free to think. Somehow a lot of happened within those 10 days. I met new people, shared experiences.

It is funny feeling when you haven't slept for 36h and can't fall asleep.
I left things and feelings behind me. Walked away. Someone have said - do not close a door, when your heart want to open it.

Live easy and do not mess with your mind. This is not my way of living. I do live in My easy way and I do always mess with mind and feeling, just like that I can have that all felt. I love to mess.. To change, to be in roller coaster of emotions, to be unpredictable. Just to love.

I love colours and feelings. I do not need a lot. He told me yesterday that we are free and always have been, there just was time of us being free together. Hurts a bit. Until the moment I realized he is right. And time of being free together comes to end as one of us goes away.

I like to travel alone. To go, to move, to see .. To be independent .. it is sad and happy feeling at the same time. And I do not know which part I like more. Probably that excitement one, just to go, see and feel ..

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tik dažādi.. Cilvēki.

Ikdienā mēs sastopam daudz un dažādus cilvēkus, daži kļūst par mūsu draugiem un izveidojas ciešaka saikne un daži kā smiltis caur pirkstiem. Laika gaitā mēs sākam izprast sevi, savas vajadzības un vēlmes. Tai brīdī, kad ir izprasts, izveidojas noteikta vērtību sistēma. Mans paziņa spānis, kurš ir ap gadiem 30 un pāri, izteicās, ka atrast dzīvesbiedri ir grūti, jo ir izveidojušies ieradumi, no, kuriem atteikties viņš negrib un, līdz ar to attiecību veidošana balstās un saderību - ir vai nav. Tieši tapat man šķiet ar komunikāciju starp cilvēkiem, kad mēs esam izveidojuši un atraduši to, kas mums patīk, mēs vairs negribam atkāpties un mainīties.

Es esmu no tiem, kuriem patīk sapņot un ļauties izjust mirkli, būt romantiskai un nostaļģiskai. Izmantot iespēju vasarā gulēt uz terases vai balkona, ēst brokastis lasot jaunākās ziņas un dzert kafiju no iemīļotās krūzītes. Ceļojot vienkārši sajust pilsētu un klīst pa ielām, rakstīt liriskus tekstus un bezgalīgi daudz runāt par cilvēku attiecībām un dzīvi. Vakar apjautu, ka tiecos pēc cilvēkiem, kuri sava noteiktā veidā izjūt pasauli un ikdienu līdzīgi.

Par šo jautājumu aizdomāties un uzrakstīt mani rosināja vakardienas saruna ar kolēģi, kurai jebkurš mans izteikums ar smaidu par vienkāršām un burvīgām lietām (man) izraisīja tādu dīvainu smaidu. Viņa ir pilnīgi citādāks cilvēks, mūsu saskarsme nav cieša un pieļauju, ka arī nebūs. Svarīgi ir saprast, ka mēs visi esam dažādi un iemācīties sadzīvot. Tāpat kā ekstraverti un intraverti un vēl milzums dažādu psiholoģijas personību veidu.

Svarīgākais, lai tev apkārt ir cilvēki, kuri tevi saprot un liek justies patiešām labi, tā ļoti ļoti motivētam dzīvei. Un ar cilvēkiem, kuri ir ikdienā tavā dzīvē apstākļu dēļ, atrast saskaņas punktu un mācēt sadzīvot ar šo dažadību.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Returning back to writing!

Morning for this night!

I am coming back to start writing again :) Soon some posts will follow!

Aija!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

And we let us go.

Wake up in morning and feel happy, because you have someone whom to make happy, someone whom u smile, touch and say - good morning!

You live in nice and pretty life with feeling, with sense of peace and fitting. Its major, to keep things, to keep moving.

Everything is nice in morning, the day before .. There come the true, the afternoon wirh decision to let go .. To make things which were in morning to die. To go forward.

You decide. You believe that pain is a force to grow. Romance without pain isnt real romance. I dont want to beleive that anymore ..

We need to move forward .. another ditch on the road, but we move on ..

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Changes.

I know what you mean to me. Understanding and common issues. Its way of communication. I'm the one who is a personality. I'm the who is going to wear red high heel shoes, keep to ambitions and aims, go forward. And in the same time I will be the one who wears snickers, cry, feel and believe. Serious, strong and purposeful, but at the same time emotional and real. Keep moving. And you with me.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The end. Of story..

That story of love and game has ended. You would ask how .. That's what about is this. There is just memories which are left, just some weak sense of how things was. I had understood a lot of things and my feelings that was in game. I don't know is there any feelings or need from his side, but I surely can say that there is nothing from my side - I'm free and I'm not keeping the boll to roll. We are just friends, sometimes I can feel him .. just so simply, because I understand him and know his mistakes. It don't make sense to me. I left. I quit. That what it is about. About going throught the pain and going straight to the source, now I am sure that there is totally nothing, I know that I'm free and loveable. I'm not sure for him .. I hope he will be happy and satisfied with her ..

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Vanilla sky.

Evening of yesterday, today and tomorrow. Sitting and dreaming of nothing. Its easy to wake up somewhere and near to someone. Its too easy. Running the easiest way. Get in with feeling, with comming together not just so thats the longest way to go.
She was out of believing, out of getting near to someone, out of wish to kiss. Just something keeps the ball rolling. She was out of risk to start run of feelings. Misunderstood one. Someone who has been hurted and whose feeling have been broken.
But every time you loose faith in people, love or friendship you just keep on moving. Keep on going forward. Keep in believing. Be loveable. Still, whatever happens.
And today that was rainy day and vanilla sky at evening, still run, still want to kiss the sky ..

Old.

I am thinking about everyday, about life, changes, feelings and Me. Too much of things. What mean my feelings and needs, why I'm doing things like this, why going throught days and nights without believe and trust in felings, in love. Feeling something like pain, dissapoint, but in the same time wining and strongness. Everyone is going to something, to life with other person, to loneliness, to carieer, development, some wants family. Relationships and search for love, whish to be loved, to be in safe and have strong shoulder to hold your hand, cry a bit and get some support. Is it all what we need? Are our needs equal with our wishies?

Today I met my past, attitude and lifeway.

Going throught feeling pain, emocional violence from person whom you loved, maybe just a bit, but fact. It isn't thing what I wanted racionally. I think that love, if it is, must transform, must not go away and leave our sense, but just be in some other manner, being not so strong, not addicted as it was. The past should be possitive, it must be just memories which make no sense on your feelings. Its theory of erasing source of pain, to forget and go forward to life. Trying to get it work.

* I was standing and thinking how to say goodbye to a person, without whom I can't imagine I can live. I didn't say goodbye. I went a longest way. I went to life, to erase source of this love in my heart, to erase pain that it was making.

A day before yesterday ..

I was looking to a photos and thinking why she was better than me. I know I searched for photos with aim to see how they looked together. In a process of search I felt a bit nervous, I didn't knew what will be my emotions for that. She looked so happy and easy, something like me in start of game. It is nice to get a look back and find ideas, get understand mistakes or just wrong steps or way I went. I took a challenge to find our photos. The surprise of mine was in moment when I understand that he didn't looked at me in our photos, but looked at her in their photos. You know but amazing was feeling when I understand that I'm not having emotions to it, that I have started to step over and the biggest step was made. Today I saw them online - both. Maybe I was not so ready as I was thinking. Ok, thats one more evidence that I understand and go forward.

Today my mind was open and related to closed - to my friends and family, to myself. I opened my skype and there was he and text - lost. Why it made my focus on, was it or he noteworty? This is my interesting question, but it make no sense, it make no point, he isn't mine, his problems aren't my need or duty. In some ways I'm starting to think that I became too senseless, disinterest in his life. I suppose it is because I started and I am keeping erasing and not feeling that stupid but didactic pain and situation. I go for next.

I found idea why it made me interested, I get feelings, but it was not love, but feeling him, I can't explain this, but I feel him, form that day, when I saw - lost- I felt nervous about him, I met him in mall and it was sorry sight, He called me after some hours and asked strange questions. I said too many good things, a lot of thinks from my imagination and needed things to say, there was a bit of true... unfortunately, but I know that he need that from me and I forgive him all that stuffs .. because I need it for myself.. for future life, here in not him, but me.. value of today and tomorrow.

*sunrise on my beautiful life avenue

Some day story.

We all are going to play games, we all like to play. Someone like to play sport games, someone table games, strategies, games of chance. Are we playing in relationships, are we playing whan saying - I love you, need you, don't know what will do without you? Maybe it is a game for making addiction, way how to accustom person? This is question about what I was thinking some time ago. Just life story, occasion and experience. I can't stop thinking about aim in this possible game. Maybe we are feeling not so perfect, needed, some complex or these players are feeling too brave, to allmighty? What are the reasons..? Is it whish to crush a person next to you, to make as much pain as you can? Too many questions without answers. I suppose that going deeper in psyhology we can find answers. I went .. I found some, but after search, I wondered that they were unimportant for me. I felt used and crashed, without visible scar and bruises. It was one of interesteng ways how to understand, how to get up, to get more stronger, to feel some sense of win. Understanding is first step to forgiveness, to the next level. Resault was that I felt as winner, as person, who get stronger and better, to person, that is not a victim anymore.

It was game of crashies and love, strange, but strong combination, with addiction, manipulation and feelings. Like a screw. Playtime was nice, interesting and amazing, but the last round made it painful, with thin plot and without rules. The game had no rules at all. The worst thing that you can make is to keep the ball rolling after decision, not to let your playperson to go out of game, to make situations, to trying to continue making suffer person who were next to you, who was yours. It's poorly. On another hand you give chance for person to get stronger, to make rules, to make your crash, to work out a strategy, to get smarter and live more easily, because of absurdity. Every coin has two sides. Is it smart to keep the ball rolling and not to end the relationship game? It was one side of coin ..

You are going to ask what is other side of coin? Simply - feelings, uncontrolled stuff. As leader, as everyone in this game can get false and loose, this can be one of reasons why the game is not going to be ended. It is strange, here is no relationships anymore, just hybrid of missing reality. Winner will be one of two persons who played this game, because one still will be feeling or maybe loving. Important is to step over feeling, to leave them behind, to end feeling game from your side, but unfortunately you can't make decision for both. Is it a way to win, when step over feelings, but not going out of game? Is it possible?



* Someone said that life and everyday is too boring, so we start to make it complicated, without real statement of reasons.